10 month melancholy

Tonight as I was putting L.A. to bed, it hit me so hard that it’s going by so fast.  He’s an amazing little boy, and I love watching him as he develops.  He’s crawling like a mad man, has his own little sense of humor and you can actually see his imagination growing… the other day C and I watched as he sat quietly turning the pages of a book, and on each page he would pretend there was a little treat and pick up his imaginary goody and put it in his mouth and say “Mmmm” happily.  It was all we could do to contain our laughter. 

For a moment though tonight, instead of being a baby on the cusp of toddlerhood he was cuddled up in my arms as I gave him his bedtime bottle.  While I rocked back and forth in the squeaky old chair, I started to sing him a song about how much he’s changed my life and how lucky we are to have him.  Midway through my song, he looked up at me in the darkness with his big brown eyes and smiled almost to say “Yeah, I love you too, Mom”.  My eyes welled up and tears started pouring down.  

The truth is, though I distinctly remember standing in the doorway of his empty nursery a year ago with my hand on my swollen belly imagining what it would be like when he arrived, it now seems like a lifetime ago.

Almost as if our life really began when he came, and I can’t remember what it was like before that.  As time goes on, my heart bursts with pride at the little boy he’s becoming and yet it breaks for the tiny baby he’ll never be again.  

So L.A., when you read this many years from now and I’ve become the annoying, embarrassing Mom I’m sure I’m destined to be at some point, know that I love you.  I loved you before you were here, and I love you in a way that I never realized I could ever love anyone.  You’re an incredible little boy, and while I wish I could freeze time and keep you small forever, I look forward to the adventure of watching you grow from the tiny baby your father and I stared at in awe for days on end to the man you will become.  Thank you for always reminding me how important each day is.  I love you sweet boy.