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I can’t help myself most nights… I know he’s asleep, and I know he’s fine… and yet I quietly tip toe into his room and peek over into his crib to watch the reassuring rise and fall of his chest.  Sometimes I brush my hand across his forehead just to remind myself – even after all this time – that he’s really ours.  

I’ve made it no secret that despite my excitement to meet P2, as the days draw closer my concern for L.A. grows.  I want him to always know how much we love him, and how incredible these last 17 months have been for C and I.  How much he’s taught us in his short time here, and how lucky we are to be getting to watch him as he grows.  That no matter how many tantrums he throws, or meltdowns he has, I’ll only love him more as the days go on.  

As I stand there watching over him, I realize that I’m sharing a moment with parents across the world.  Together, we stand there in the darkness – just a moment longer than necessary – and reflect on how amazing the tiny little person sleeping so sweetly truly is.  I’m certain that L.A. will surprise me upon P2’s arrival, and I will look back on all of these feelings of anguish and realize that I had no clue just how amazing he was.  

As we embark on this week of lasts while gearing up for a lifetime of firsts, I’ve found myself reading this poem over and over again, and finding comfort in the author’s words.  

LOVING TWO

I walk along holding your almost 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship.
Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.
And I wonder, how could I love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you.
I watch as the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me” and I hear myself telling you in mine “I can’t”.
Knowing in fact that I never can again.
You cry, I cry with you.
I almost see our baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. 
A relationship we can never have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty.
I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying her — as though I am betraying you.
But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine.
The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.
But something is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just us two.
There are new times — only now we are three.
I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how she adores you, as I have for so long.
I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.
I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you.
I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered to my amazement.
Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you, only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you’ll never share my love.
There’s enough of that for both of you — you each have your own supply.

I love you both and I thank you both for blessing my life.

—Author Unknown

That’s the sound of me drumming my fingers against the table.  You see the problem with having your first baby being born three weeks early, is that the second time around anything longer than that seems like forever.  In any event, we’re still technically 2 weeks ahead of schedule right now, and no matter what next Friday we’ll be holding P2 in our arms.  

The upside is that it’s supposed to be a beautiful weekend, and we’re planning to soak it up as much as possible as we relish this last weekend as a family of three.  I can’t help but think even at this moment that this is the last Saturday morning L.A. and I will snuggle just the two of us on the couch vegging out for a few minutes before we start our day.  I’m off to love up my little boy as much as he’ll tolerate!  Have a great day, everyone! 

Since we’re in the final stretch here…. let’s have a little poll.  Will L.A. be getting a baby brother or a baby sister?

Here are the facts:  I’m carrying pretty much the same as I did with L.A., though slightly larger (I suspect that has more to do with the extra cookies than the child, but we’ll see).  My pregnancy has been nearly the same – no morning sickness, no strong aversions.  I’ve craved sweets and carbs like nobody’s business, while with L.A. I was all about the citrus fruits.  Up until just a few days ago I’ve been completely exhausted… like someone sucked the life out of me.  

Now for the old wives tales:  I’m carrying rather low, the heart rate has been sort of all over the place, anywhere from the 130’s up into the 160’s, and the chinese gender predictor says boy.  I honestly have no idea.  At the beginning, I was sure that the baby was a girl, but as my pregnancy progressed I’ve had more and more boy vibes, though not enough to be certain.  Most of my dreams have been that P2 is a boy, but I’ve had a few girl dreams in there too.  

Sooo…. what’s your guess?
 

In yesterday’s post, I mentioned L.A.’s hat obsession has taken a new form… let me remind you that he spent nearly the entire winter with some sort of knit hat on his head.  Luckily as the weather warmed up, he seems to have moved on.  Or so we thought.

Over Easter, one of our family members gave him this cool little red helmet.  Well, it now resides permanently on his head whenever we are outdoors.  It pretty much goes like this:  Open the back door, scurry down the steps, run over to the toy box.  As soon as the toy box is opened, point frantically to the red helmet until it’s strapped on and then proceed to play.  

Wear the helmet while taking a spin in the little pink car… 

While playing with the noisy green recycling truck…

While playing basketball with Daddy… (or “dunk!” as L.A. calls it)

While taking a little rest…

…and while getting ready to mow the lawn.

These pictures were taken over the course of a couple of hours, and after the camera was put away, we went for a walk around the neighborhood – picture a very pregnant me, C, and L.A. – who insisted on wearing the helmet while pushing the lawn mower around the block.  We were quite the spectacle!  

1.  It’s been awhile FOREVER since I’ve done a Ten on Tuesday, but I’m going to try to get back in the swing of them now that I’m home. 

2.  Those are surely famous last words, right?  Well… at least the intention is there.  

3.  Our house is quietly getting ready for P2’s arrival… the new bottles have been sterilized, we have a drawer full of teensy tiny diapers, and the paci’s are boiled in the event P2 shows some interest (L.A. wanted nothing to do with the pacifier, despite repeated attempts to try to get him to take them). 

4.  I haven’t blogged much about it, but P2 gave us a few scares in recent weeks that had C and I heading to the hospital in the middle of the night.  I was given shots to stop the contractions, and we were just praying that he or she would stay put until 37 weeks.  

5.  Murphy’s Law surely states that since we have everything prepared, I’ve been dealing with pre-term contractions for weeks now, and we’ve finally given the green light for P2 to arrive that he or she is going to stay snuggled up in there until May 1st.  That’s just the way, isn’t it?

6.  In the past two days, I’ve cleaned our house like a mad woman, reorganized our tupperwear cabinet and tackled my closet (which has recently been looking as though a tornado whipped through it).  I have a couple more things I’d love to accomplish, but I am also secretly hoping that this nesting phase kicks things off.  

7.  By now, you’re all familiar with L.A.’s hat obsession, right?  Well… it’s taken a turn for the hilarious.  Stay tuned, I’ll post about it later this week with pictures.  

8.  C recently got a new laptop, and so we were pulling personal stuff off our old computer so that we could get rid of it, and I came across this picture of vintage L.A.  

This was just a little over a year ago… and that concept simply blows my mind.  I cannot believe how much he has grown and changed in just a year. 

9.  Speaking of growth, I should mention that I re-edited the above picture today.  In the digital age of photography, understanding and being comfortable using Photoshop is nearly as important as properly exposing a picture.  I don’t claim to know all there is, but I like to think I’ve learned a little something along the way, and since I always find it encouraging to see other photographer’s growth (and I have no shame), if you’d like to see the original version from a year ago, click here.  

10.  In honor of P2’s arrival, there are some Summer Specials coming up for the months of June and July when I’m back from maternity leave, so if you’re planning to have some pictures taken, check back for details! 

Or technically, one day shy.  As of tomorrow though, P2 is welcome to make his or her arrival.  I can’t believe how quickly this pregnancy has flown.  That realization is such a mix of excitement, anxiety and just a touch of sadness as we spend the last few days as a family of three.  In a few weeks, I’m sure we won’t even remember what it was like without P2, and I’m very much looking forward to that too.  

So this being my first official day of maternity leave from my 9 to 5, I thought I’d use it wisely.  My hair grows like wildfire, I don’t get it cut as often as I should, and I haven’t lost even a strand in months thanks to this pregnancy, so I figured why not do something good with it while it’s very long, and very thick.  

I did a little research and decided to chop it off and donate it to Beautiful Lengths, which is an organization that provides human hair wigs to women with cancer free of charge… there is another big name organization that I’m sure you’re familiar with that does something similar, but I found out yesterday they actually make their recipients pay for their wigs… what a bummer! 

I decided to head down to Hairdresser on Fire and see what they could do for me.  Chopping off 9+ inches of hair leaves a bit of a mess behind, but Sarah worked her magic and I walked out of there with a haircut that I promise you is way cooler than I am.  I never thought I’d be sporting a sassy bob like this, but it’s fun, and it’s for a good cause!  Remind me of that when I’m missing my ponytail next week.  ;)  

Excuse the quality of these pictures, I really need to invest in a remote for my camera.  Anyway, without further adieu, here you go!!