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In general, L.A. is a pretty relaxed, easy going little dude and I thought we’d totally lucked out and sailed through without hitting the separation anxiety phase.  Wrong.  So, so wrong.  In the past week or so, his mom clinginess has increased and I attributed it to the molars that have been working their way in and making our lives miserable.  We’re now at the level of complete emotional breakdown if I walk out of his line of sight.  I’m talking tears, choking-can’t catch your breath-sobbing if I dare to use the restroom or try to retrieve something from another room. 

I’d be lying if I didn’t acknowledge the fact that I typically love his attachment to me.  There’s something so sweet about those big eyes that are always searching for me, for reassurance.  This, however – is a little overboard.  Any been there-done that-moms want to give me some insight as to how long this phase might last?

In other family news, both C and L.A. woke up this morning with coughs and scratchy throats.  Awesome.  All the wives out there, go ahead and give a sympathetic nod of the head… you know which one of my boys will need more attention this weekend.    I love you C!

In the midst of the chaos I’ve been complaining about, I’m trying to take comfort and solace in the small, fleeting moments.  This morning as C and I were getting ready for work, L.A. was standing in his crib dancing back and forth as he does most mornings.  I glanced into his room as I passed and saw his giant smile as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other joyfully.  I couldn’t help but go in and kiss him good morning. 

As I approached his crib, he reached out his hand and started rubbing my belly, something he’s been doing the past few days.  He looked up at me and smiled and said “Mama?” and I nodded my head and said “there’s a baby in Mama’s belly”. 

In a moment I hadn’t anticipated, he reached his little arms around my waist and gave my belly a hug while resting his head gently there.  Before backing up completely, he planted a nice sloppy kiss on my belly and then looked up at me with his sweet smiling face. 

My life may be crazy at the moment, but it sure is better than any life I could have dreamt. 

I had a bad day today.  It was all job related (my 9-5), but it was the kind of day that makes you want to hide under your desk and just wish it all away.  I went to pick up L.A. knowing that he would brighten my afternoon, only to have him throw a temper tantrum upon my arrival because he was having far too much fun playing to be bothered with going home.  Didn’t do much for the ego.  Came home, looked around and realized I could stand to put a little extra effort in around the house too.  

Dinner didn’t seem to cook fast enough, and L.A. was ready for bed.  Finally, we went upstairs and decided to forego bath time since we were so behind schedule.  He fought me all the way through getting changed, and I spilled milk all over my shirt making his bottle.  

Eventually, I sat him in my lap in the rocking chair and nuzzled down against his head as I pulled out the Belly Button Book (a new fave of both of ours).  As I turned the first page and breathed in the first bit of relaxation of the day, I felt a small little kick in my belly.  It’s been worrying me that I’ve only felt P2 moving a little here and there, and I stopped for a second not sure if I imagined it.  As I opened my mouth to start reading again, I felt another little kick.  

Once again, just when I need it, someone upstairs points out what’s really important.  

I’m sorry to have left you with such a sad and depressing entry for the past few days.  I promise to be a bit more upbeat this week, and I even have some great pictures to share so be sure to stop back. 

I was talking to a friend of mine this morning who is also expecting her second child, and I confided that I’ve been feeling a bit of guilt – both for L.A. whom I worry about losing out on his alone time with C and I – and for P2 who I wonder if I’ll be able to have the same amount of bone crushing love that I do for L.A.

I admitted that I’ve felt disconnected to P2 perhaps for a variety of reasons, but most specifically because my pregnancy with L.A. was so difficult… C and I found out right around 3 weeks with him, and from that point on everything was very touch and go.  We spent months in emotional turmoil praying for this little person, and therefore he was so real to me from the very beginning.  This time around, things have been a breeze, and on some level that makes me feel guilty.  Guilty for not thinking of the new baby all the time, guilty for being a bit scared, and guilty for feeling any of this because I know how incredibly lucky we are.

In her always wise and insightful way, my friend responded to me:

“I’m thinking someone wanted to give you a break this time around so you didn’t have to worry from day one.” 

Talk about being given exactly what you need to hear.  That one little line has helped clear the clouds for me a little, and I can feel the guilt subsiding.  Thank you.

Tonight as I was putting L.A. to bed, it hit me so hard that it’s going by so fast.  He’s an amazing little boy, and I love watching him as he develops.  He’s crawling like a mad man, has his own little sense of humor and you can actually see his imagination growing… the other day C and I watched as he sat quietly turning the pages of a book, and on each page he would pretend there was a little treat and pick up his imaginary goody and put it in his mouth and say “Mmmm” happily.  It was all we could do to contain our laughter. 

For a moment though tonight, instead of being a baby on the cusp of toddlerhood he was cuddled up in my arms as I gave him his bedtime bottle.  While I rocked back and forth in the squeaky old chair, I started to sing him a song about how much he’s changed my life and how lucky we are to have him.  Midway through my song, he looked up at me in the darkness with his big brown eyes and smiled almost to say “Yeah, I love you too, Mom”.  My eyes welled up and tears started pouring down.  

The truth is, though I distinctly remember standing in the doorway of his empty nursery a year ago with my hand on my swollen belly imagining what it would be like when he arrived, it now seems like a lifetime ago.

Almost as if our life really began when he came, and I can’t remember what it was like before that.  As time goes on, my heart bursts with pride at the little boy he’s becoming and yet it breaks for the tiny baby he’ll never be again.  

So L.A., when you read this many years from now and I’ve become the annoying, embarrassing Mom I’m sure I’m destined to be at some point, know that I love you.  I loved you before you were here, and I love you in a way that I never realized I could ever love anyone.  You’re an incredible little boy, and while I wish I could freeze time and keep you small forever, I look forward to the adventure of watching you grow from the tiny baby your father and I stared at in awe for days on end to the man you will become.  Thank you for always reminding me how important each day is.  I love you sweet boy.   

Than a baby fresh from the bath in feetie pajamas?  I say no. 

Reason 7,496 why I adore the fall and the cooler weather it brings:

L.A. is officially 8 months old as of yesterday.  How is it that eight months of pregnancy seemed to take forever, and yet these past eight months have gone by in the blink of an eye?  I cannot believe how much our baby has changed.  I look forward to discovering more and more about him every day. 

In honor of his eight month birthday, here are eight things I want to remember about L.A. this month.

8.  He has just started eating puffs, but he doesn’t quite understand the whole hand to mouth concept just yet.  He gets so excited that there is actually real food in front of him, that he’ll grab onto a puff and squeeze it in his hand until it dissolves.  If you feed them to him though, he’ll eat them forever.

7. He is very close to saying “DaDa”  After 8 months of sleepless nights spent rocking him back to sleep and wondering what his first words would be, I’m so super jealous excited about this.

6.  While he shows no signs of crawling, he has become an excellent roller.  Last night when I went to check in on him, he had managed to turn himself around completely upside down with his head at the foot of his crib – exactly the opposite of how I had laid him down. 

5. He LOVES to swim.  Be it in the bathtub or our neighbor’s pool, as soon as his little feet touch the water he squeals in delight and starts kicking away. 

4.  He is an observer, exactly like his father.  When introduced to a new situation, he needs some time to sit back and take it all in before warming up and quickly becoming the life of the party.

3.  He finally understands and anticipates “Peek-a-boo” and thinks it’s one of the funniest things in the world.

2.  He hugs us back.  One of my favorite things is when I pick him up from daycare and his whole face lights up to see me – as soon as I pick him up, he squeezes in and pats my back.

1. L.A. really is just a sweet boy.  Despite the fact that he’s teething and rather miserable, he always smiles for us, and still has a hilarious sense of humor.

Oh, and he’s doing this adorable thing with his feet.  Every time he sits in his highchair, he has to cross his little piggy toes like this.

If I could add a big puffy heart emoticon to this entry I would.  Not because the picture is technically perfect, or the best one I’ve ever taken, but because family portraits when you’re a photographer are so rare.  Last night as I was setting up our 52 weeks shot, C walked in and I convinced him to jump in the frame.  The look on his face as he gazes down at L.A. squeezes my heart and I realize how blessed I am… once again.

Week 19